Kindergarten

My sweet little nephew, Matthew started Kindergarten this morning. He did really well - no tears - he was happy and excited. I hope the rest of his mornings go as smoothly!

Here he is at his desk. Isn't he adorable?

Matthew,

I can't believe how fast you are growing! It seems like just yesterday your mom and dad were bringing you home. You have been such a blessing and wonderful addition to our family. We have enjoyed watching you explore, learn and grow and we all love you very much. As you start school today, I wanted to let you know that Uncle Darren and I are praying for you and wish you well today, and all of the rest of your school days. We hope that you enjoy this new adventure called "school". We hope that you have an inquiring mind and a discerning heart. We hope that you have the courage to persevere when things get tough or confusing. We hope that you enjoy lots of love and laughter with new teachers and new friends. We hope that you are kind and generous with your new classmates, and that they are in return. And, more than anything, we hope that you approach each and every opportunity to learn with joy and wonder.

Have a great day kiddo! We love you!

Wordless Wednesday

Happy 29th Birthday Darren!

Darren,

Happy Birthday sweetheart! I hope that you have a wonderful day - you deserve only the best. You are such an amazing husband and I am so lucky to have you in my life. I am grateful for all of the time that we have had together, all of the memories that we have made and all that our future's hold.

Sometimes, when we're watching tv and I look over at you or when I'm laying awake in bed, I can't help but think of how incredibly luck I am to be married to you, and how many things I love about you.

In honor of your 29th birthday, I wrote a few of them (or 29) down...

1. I love your laugh. I love that it's goofy and loud and that when you think something is funny, you don't wait for everyone to laugh - you just let go and laugh with everything you have - even if that means clapping your hands and stomping your feet.

2. I love how handy you are. I love that I can dream up all kinds of things for "us" to do and you can do them for me.

3. I love that you hold my hand when we sleep.

4. I love that you are not all macho and controlling of the remote and that you let me take possession of it and decide what we watch.

5. I love that you know how completely neurotic I am (about everything), but you act like it's completely normal.

6. I love that you are who you are and you don't pretend to be anything you're not.

7. I love that you are a hard worker and are motivated and will do whatever you have to do to provide for our family.

8. I love that you adore Coco as much as I do and by all accounts, she is your "little girl".

9. I love how protective you are.

10.I love that you kiss me and say "goodnight sweetheart, sleep good" before bed every night.

11.I love how your dad is your hero.

12.I love that when you tell me that you love me and I say "I love you more", you say "nope".

13.I love, love, love when you're freshly shaven - how smooth and soft your face is and how I can't help but kiss all over you and you just smile.

14.I love how everytime you cook, you get out every single spice that we have in our pantry and attempt to make a "special concoction".

15.I love that you let me talk you in to just about anything.

16.I love that you get into Lifetime movies just as much as I do!

17.I love how proud you are of your heritage and where you came from.

18.I love how children absolutely love you. I have never seen children so drawn to a person as they are to you and I love how you are on Cloud 9 when you are around them.

19. I love that you've had the same best friend since you were younger and how regardless of the fact that you don't see each other often, every time you get together you just pick up where you left off.

20.I love that you know how much I hate running errands (like going to the bank) and you do it for me.

21.I love that you're tough on the outside but tender on the inside.

22. I love that when we look at each other across a crowded room, everyone else disappears and we only see each other.

23. I love that you want to experience everything together and that you're as excited (if not more) than I am to have children and start a family.

24.I love that we can be silly together and that we have the stupidest inside jokes and how much fun we have re-telling them over and over to each other.

25.I love the way that you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world.

26.I love that I can have an absolute blast with you - regardless of what we do, even if its nothing at all.

27.I love how everything turns into an adventure when I'm with you.

28.I love how close you are with your parents and that you talk to your mom everyday.

29.And more than anything, I love that you love me and that you "chose me" and that I get to spend the rest of my life with you.

I love everything about you! Happy Birthday my love! I hope it's a great one and that the next year brings much happiness, success and good health! I can't wait to experience it all with you!

Wordless Wednesday

Rainbows

Darren and I have been trying to have a baby for about 18 months, which seems more like eternity. A couple of months ago we started seeing a fertility specialist and have had some tests done. A lot of tests, actually. Luckily, all of our tests have come back with great results. They can't find anything wrong with either of us! Which is great news - in theory. But it still doesn't tell us why we aren't conceiving.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call from my Dr. In one of the scans taken during a test, they found what he thought was a polyp. It measured largely and he felt like it might be acting like an IUD and could very well be the reason we have been having a hard time getting pregnant.

I was having a hard time concentrating on much of anything during our conversation because I was about to burst with the news that I was expecting! I told my Dr. that I had taken 7 home pregnancy tests (I was in a bit of shock), and had already gone to my PCP for the blood test, which had come back positive and that we didn't need to worry about the polyp. We decided that it could wait, but that I should come in for an ultrasound and some blood work to check my hormone levels. Once everything was good and signed off on, he would send me back to my regular ob/gyn for the rest of the pregnancy. I went in and had the ultrasound and bloodwork done and went about my business, cheerfully. The very next day I started not feeling very well and having really bad cramps. I called the fertility specialist freaking out, and he told me to relax and take it easy and that they were still waiting for my test results. A few excruciating hours later, he called to tell me that my labwork had come back and the bloodwork showed that I was no longer pregnant; that I was losing the pregnancy. My heart shattered in a million pieces. I couldn't believe I could experience such a high and such a low all in the course of a few days. It took a few days of crying and feeling sorry for myself, to realize that I wasn't making things any better for Darren or myself. We have to remember that God has a plan for us all!

A few days later, I went back in to discuss the polyp and schedule surgery for it to come out. I had surgery last Wednesday where they found not one, but two polyps. One very large and one smaller polyp. The Dr. explained that they had their own blood supply and were situated inside my uterus. He said that he felt like I was far enough in the pregnancy for the egg to have been fertilized, and implanted but was concerned that it might have tried to implant itself on the larger of the two polyps. The fertilized egg was receiving blood, but nothing else, which resulted in a miscarriage.

I have spent the last few days at home recovering and thinking. Thinking that sometimes we have to experience a little bad to appreciate the good. Thinking that we must not worry about the details but remember that God will not forsake us. Thinking and trying to remember that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't like it or understand it.

Darren and I have experienced a lot together. A lot of love and a whole lot of loss. Through it all, we've grown into a really wonderful couple. Strong and couragous, tender and loving, and above all else, supportive. We're each others rocks. We stand tall when the other one can't. We lift each other up in prayer and in praise. We encourage each other, defend each other and love each other unconditionally.

In the midst of our pain, and our loss - we received a blessing. We were given a "reason". We sought out a specialist to find out why we weren't having a baby and we were given what we asked for. Sometimes we have a hard time receiving God's answers. It's not in the nice, neat little packages we hoped for, but we got what we wanted. Now we know. We have a starting point and the courage and strength to start over - to try again.

Sometimes it takes loss to remember all that we have and all that we take for granted. Sometimes we've got to experience pain to appreciate the love and joy our lives are filled with. Sometimes we have to endure the rain to appreciate the rainbows.