Rainbows

Darren and I have been trying to have a baby for about 18 months, which seems more like eternity. A couple of months ago we started seeing a fertility specialist and have had some tests done. A lot of tests, actually. Luckily, all of our tests have come back with great results. They can't find anything wrong with either of us! Which is great news - in theory. But it still doesn't tell us why we aren't conceiving.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call from my Dr. In one of the scans taken during a test, they found what he thought was a polyp. It measured largely and he felt like it might be acting like an IUD and could very well be the reason we have been having a hard time getting pregnant.

I was having a hard time concentrating on much of anything during our conversation because I was about to burst with the news that I was expecting! I told my Dr. that I had taken 7 home pregnancy tests (I was in a bit of shock), and had already gone to my PCP for the blood test, which had come back positive and that we didn't need to worry about the polyp. We decided that it could wait, but that I should come in for an ultrasound and some blood work to check my hormone levels. Once everything was good and signed off on, he would send me back to my regular ob/gyn for the rest of the pregnancy. I went in and had the ultrasound and bloodwork done and went about my business, cheerfully. The very next day I started not feeling very well and having really bad cramps. I called the fertility specialist freaking out, and he told me to relax and take it easy and that they were still waiting for my test results. A few excruciating hours later, he called to tell me that my labwork had come back and the bloodwork showed that I was no longer pregnant; that I was losing the pregnancy. My heart shattered in a million pieces. I couldn't believe I could experience such a high and such a low all in the course of a few days. It took a few days of crying and feeling sorry for myself, to realize that I wasn't making things any better for Darren or myself. We have to remember that God has a plan for us all!

A few days later, I went back in to discuss the polyp and schedule surgery for it to come out. I had surgery last Wednesday where they found not one, but two polyps. One very large and one smaller polyp. The Dr. explained that they had their own blood supply and were situated inside my uterus. He said that he felt like I was far enough in the pregnancy for the egg to have been fertilized, and implanted but was concerned that it might have tried to implant itself on the larger of the two polyps. The fertilized egg was receiving blood, but nothing else, which resulted in a miscarriage.

I have spent the last few days at home recovering and thinking. Thinking that sometimes we have to experience a little bad to appreciate the good. Thinking that we must not worry about the details but remember that God will not forsake us. Thinking and trying to remember that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't like it or understand it.

Darren and I have experienced a lot together. A lot of love and a whole lot of loss. Through it all, we've grown into a really wonderful couple. Strong and couragous, tender and loving, and above all else, supportive. We're each others rocks. We stand tall when the other one can't. We lift each other up in prayer and in praise. We encourage each other, defend each other and love each other unconditionally.

In the midst of our pain, and our loss - we received a blessing. We were given a "reason". We sought out a specialist to find out why we weren't having a baby and we were given what we asked for. Sometimes we have a hard time receiving God's answers. It's not in the nice, neat little packages we hoped for, but we got what we wanted. Now we know. We have a starting point and the courage and strength to start over - to try again.

Sometimes it takes loss to remember all that we have and all that we take for granted. Sometimes we've got to experience pain to appreciate the love and joy our lives are filled with. Sometimes we have to endure the rain to appreciate the rainbows.