Friday, February 25, 2011


I think, as women, we are loaded with guilt. About anything and everything. At least for me, that's the case.

I feel guilty for spending so much time at work, so I make a plan to leave right on time and then I feel guilty for not putting in more overtime. I make a plan to spend more time with the girls and then feel guilty for spending less time with my husband as a result. I feel guilty for spending too much money, complaining about trivial things, not keeping up with friends as well as I should, spending too much time on the phone in the evenings, letting my laundry pile up, not being a better housekeeper, and on and on and on!

Lately, I feel guilty for the child I'm carrying. And then, I feel guilty for saying that "out loud". I know some women that are still praying for children. Women would do anything in the world to hold their own child in their arms, and I'm carrying one. Last week, a college friend of mine, lost her 4 month old little girl, and I'm going to be a new mom soon. I feel guilty for wanting to share exciting baby news, while she is grieving the loss of her sweet baby.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I have been praying and I feel so badly for Kellie and her family. I want to be supportive and let them know that I am there for their family and the more I think about it - the best thing I can do for them is love this little one inside me as much as I can. Cherish every second that I have with this tiny person. Enjoy every moment of pregnancy and then not take a second of this child's life for granted. None of us know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after so I'm going to be the best mother I can be, for as long as I can be and hope that God show's Kellie and all of the other women out there with longing and hurt in their hearts, his plan soon.

Our God is an Awesome God and I know that he has amazing things in store for these women, and he just needed little Maddie's help as an Angel, to reach them all.


Anonymous said...

I have been following the FB blog on this precious little angel . . . what caused her death?

rynderella said...

i just found Kellie's blog about her sweet maddie, and then also stumbled upon yours. I am pregnant myself and also have a 2 year old daughter, so needless to say I sit here on my couch reading both of your words and absolutely bawling my eyes out. I love my daughter beyond what i can even express with words and although i cant even imagine what Kellie is going through, if i were faced with the same awful situation I could see her words being my own. How she describes wanting to remember every inch of her beautiful baby- those words slapped me into a full on hysterical weep because i know i would do the exact same.
My aunt and uncle, whom i am EXTREMELY close with and lived with them for years and years, lost their son 10 years ago this May after only 4 short days of having him here. My aunt had two best friends who were both pregnant at the same time, one was due the month after her and the other i believe 5 months after her. The one who was due a month after my aunt obviously felt guilty about having her own healthy baby, as you have mentioned feeling similar to. She actually recoiled completely from my aunt and uncle, and they didnt see or hear about the baby at all, and they arent friends to this day. My aunts other best friend, the one due 5 months after, allowed my aunt and uncle to pretty much raise their new son as his second set of parents. They were there for EVERYTHING. 1st solid foods, 1st steps, 1st everything. They got to be there for all of it. They are still extremely close with that family. Ive had many conversations with my aunt and uncle about the loss of their son, and they have said time and time again that that was the best gift they could have ever been given. My aunt has told me how very thankful she is for everything she got to witness, and how thankful she is to her best friend.
I know it was long winded... but i just wanted to share their story with you...
please dont feel quilty, I cant imagine Kellie wants you to.

Heather said...

I just found out about Kellie. I don't even know what to say about it. I tried reading her blog and was crying too much to continue. I can understand why you feel guilty and you shouldn't be. Like rynderella said, Kellie wouldn't want you to feel guilty about your munchkin. With time, hopefully the guilty feeling will pass. If you want to talk, you know I'm here.

Amanda said...

I understand the feeling guilty, but you shouldn't. You've prayed and prayed for your baby and you've gone through soooo much. And, I know you and Darren will be great parents who will love that baby like crazy. Pray for Kellie, but don't feel guilty. Love you and your precious munchkin!!