I've been troubled with a lot of anxiety so far during this pregnancy. I normally suffer from anxiety and I used to be on medication for it, but one of the side effects is weight gain. And that is exactly what happened to me - I wound up gaining about 80 pounds in one short year! One year! So, with the help of my Dr. I weaned myself off of it and have been working hard to control my anxiety on my own. Thankfully, I have had a LOT of success with it and very rarely have anxious episodes. When I do, I can normally calm down with a small glass of wine or talking with some girlfriends or going for a walk - which makes me feel a lot better than taking some medicine (and gaining tons of weight).
Anyhow, now that I'm pregnant - the anxiety is back and rearing it's ugly head! I figured that I would have some anxious moments after suffering two miscarriages last year - it's only normal to have some worries after going through that, but this - I wasn't expecting.
I feel overwhelming anxiety - almost dibilitating some days. I wake up some days, and can't stop crying. Other nights, I don't go to sleep at all. I can't turn my mind off and the horrible thoughts and worry that comes with it. I worry about anything and everything. What if we're not ready for a baby? What if we can't afford a child? What if I'm not a good mom? What if something is wrong with the baby and I can't tell? What if I lose this baby too? And on and on and on!
D and I talk A LOT - he is SO supportive. He is reassuring and helps me relax and I am so, so lucky to have married such a wonderful man. He doesn't make me feel crazy - he just helps me get through my rough patches and look forward to better and brighter days.
When I was in the midst of a total panic attack a couple of weeks ago, D suggested that we get one of the doppler monitors so that we can try to hear the baby's heartbeat at home. He thought since our ultrasounds are going to be more spread out now and since I can't yet feel the baby - being able to hear him/her would make me feel better.
Oh - he's such a smart (and sweet) man! I looked online and found a place that will rent them out. I ordered a machine and it arrived on Thursday. Immediately, we took it out of the box and headed to our bedroom so I could lay down and we could try to hear the baby's heartbeat.
It took about 10 minutes, but we were able to find the baby. He/she was on the complete opposite side than he/she was just a few days earlier at our Drs appointment. We got a monitor that allows you to record the heartbeat and couldn't wait to share it with everyone. That's when we started having technical difficulties!
I couldn't load the file to YouTube because it's not a video file. Then I had the same problem with blogger. Then the same problem with Facebook. Then, I started googling what to do. After two nights of looking this up, I finally found a page that suggested that I download a file converter, convert the file to an mp3 and then use a (free) online file hosting site to upload the video. The site would give me a url that I could use on my blog and so you could click on it and then listen to the baby's heartbeat. Only, it wasn't that easy at all.
After an hour, I finally got my file converted. Then onto the file sharing. I went through two google search pages of links to file sharing locations. After joining pretty much every one of them, I FINALLY found one that would upload the file. But I had to sign up for a free week trial and then $5 monthly subscription after that.
Uuh! I got my url but it wouldn't come up on my blog correctly. It just kept taking me to the file hosting website. Which, surprisingly (not) gives them a lot of advertisement but doesn't get me anywhere. After another day of jacking with that - I gave up. Then, I started contacting paypal to try to cancel my subscription (which was surprisingly easy).
Little did I know just sharing one file would prove to be so difficult (and frustrating). Good thing I have no life, or all that time spent trying to figure this out would have really put a damper in it!
So, friends (and family) - you'll just have to take my word for it. We have a file of the baby's heartbeat that has got to be the sweetest sound I have ever heard in my life. I'm sure that sound will be replaced with giggles, squeals, and cries soon enough but for now - we are loving it and still trying to get over our technical difficulties!