Phones in Church

I got this e-mail joke this morning and (being a proud Texan) I love it! Here it is: PHONES IN CHURCH A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, Denver, Oklahoma City, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Texas, upon entering a church in Dallas, Texas, behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now ... You're in God's Country, It's a local call." American by Birth - A Texan by the Grace of God!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Here are a few Irish jokes for ya: Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home..' 'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?' 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?' 'It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?' She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night.' The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?' She says, 'That he did, Father.' The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?' 'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And my favorite... A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.' Hope you all have a great day! Don't forget to drink some green beer!

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you”. “She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.” “She will praise you!” “She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.” “She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.” Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?” God replied, “An arm and a leg.” Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?” Of course the rest is history!!!!

Fun Facts from Infection Control

Fun facts from Infection Control

I just got this e-mail and although I wanted to throw up - I thought I would share it. During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY...

... and wash your damn hands!